About me.

What is it I should share that gives you a sense of who I am? Often, to introduce ourselves, we reduce ourselves to what we do or have done, what we like, what we have, or some imagined future. The I Am is sufficient to demonstrate existence; however bound it is to individualized creation. The less I am the more I find Being. The more I am , the less I can be and the more I must protect.

In genuflection to the Divine, I ascribe all that is this life to God.

Hence, any achievements of import are centered on the Realization of Self within God. Thus, I will speak to that, which reflects such providences. In sharing a brief narrative of my life, I shall constrain such narrative to three principle revelations that may serve to vibrate and resonate with you.

Early Life Experiencing self: the Human Condition

I was born into a family comprising an older sister and my recently divorced mother. Early in childhood, I discovered that my birth served as the reason for my parents' divorce. Consequently, I have never met my biological father. Discovering the reason for their divorce intuitively shaped my perception of cause and effect in my worldview early on with me negatively at its epicenter. As is common in such scenarios, I spent years working through feeling unworthy, unwanted, and abandoned among other negative psychological states. Oft I pondered which was worst, to have known my father for a year and be rejected, as in the case of my sister, or be the reason and object of rejection, as in my case. I have since answered for myself that such questions cannot be universally answered. That is, it is a matter of personal perspective and subjectivity.

Before the age of five, I suffered from reduced hearing sensitivity. Insofar as this hearing loss occurred prior to regular auditory testing, it went undiagnosed and untreated for some time. As such, I could not hear sufficiently and consequently, I could not relate as others did and therefore I could not interact similarly; e.g., my mother would require my sister to interpret what I would say. Whilst in class, my peers would collectively laugh and as I could not hear thus understand the joke, I introjected myself as subject. Consequently, my self-worth and esteem suffered. Being impoverished, it seemed as though my mother's family treated us differently, like an embarrassment, a pariah. Inasmuch, such interpretation served to reinforce my negative self-concept. Likewise, I am sure my negative self-concept influenced such interpretation.

Being a single parent, my mother would move the family often from necessity. Moving, while beneficial to one's worldview, can undermine a fragile personality, one fraught with esteem and worth issues. Consequentially, I found it difficult to relate and connect with others and began to feel isolated.

My mother eventually remarried. By virtue of my self-concept, I felt compelled to win his approval, e.g., I legally assumed his first name as my middle. Despite years of attempts, I never experienced such approval. These events set in motion many thoughts, actions, and reactions I would experience over the next two decades. I became motivated by a seemingly inherent need for approval, upon which I founded my ambition and individual measure of success. Insofar as these were integrated into the very fabric of my self-concept, I became my ambition and worldly success proved my worth to others and more importantly, to myself. I understand now that we cannot prove anything to ourselves that we do not realize. Once realized, no proof is necessary. As such, attempting to prove anything to oneself reveals perhaps an issue of doubt or insecurity.

Following my mother's second divorce, we moved to a very remote area in Hawaii. Socially, I was alienated and targeted for hate. As I appeared white to the locals, I represented the object of their discontent with their state of affairs. No matter the time spent, I would never belong. As a response, my mother opted for home schooling at times. This afforded me unique childhood experiences. To provide further context, much of my childhood in Hawaii was experiencing life without electricity, telephone, running water, and other often taken for granted amenities. Many memories are filled with the spirit of exploration. Eventually, my childhood home was destroyed by continued volcanic eruptions.

As many adolescent teens of divorced parents experience, I desired to live with my stepfather. Returning to the US east coast, I found that I was quite introverted and began suffering physical aversion at the thought of interacting with others. I have vivid memory of the catalyst and cognitivewill wherefrom positive thoughts and actions would eventually supplant the negative.

Perception of Control

Moving along to class, someone called to me. The only response I could muster was to flush, begin sweating, and retreat as fast as I could. I panicked. Walking home, I experienced three realizations. First, the life I wished to experience was becoming significantly disparate from that which I was experiencing. Second, without applying myself to elicit personal change, how could I hope for anything different? Third, without eloquently articulating one's potentiality to evoke personal awareness and power directed at positive self-change, I realized that external factors shaped the way in which I respond to the world. I could counter negative influences and over time, I could liberate myself from a seemingly endless cycle, one created by the mind to perpetuate the mind.

From the experiences precipitating such personal realization, I developed an insight about the perception of control. That is, I became painfully aware that any control of external factors, e.g., family, friends, work, etc., was inert and therefore an illusion. Upon such illusions, I habitually concerted effort that would be better directed inwards. I discovered that the only true non-force based control I could exert in this world rested internally, e.g., my thoughts, actions, reactions, intent, motivation, assessments, attitudes, judgments, etc., and externally as outward manifestations of internal effort, e.g., tolerance, patience, empathy, etc.

Perception of Responsibility

From such insight prompting understanding and awareness relative to the perception of control, I developed an insight about the perception of responsibility. Once I embarked upon the road of self-realization, I began analyzing my environment and experiences through introspection and reflection. Such inward effort served to inform the ways in which I was predisposed to interpret and thus react to my environment. I soon discovered that in each personal experience, I held some responsibility. That is, I am fully responsible for my own interpretations and consequentially, my actions and reactions.To elucidate this conceptual insight further I offer the following personal experience and realization.

In my early twenties, I was starving for a relationship that granted me the approval I thought I needed. I was quick to settle down in a relationship through marriage. My first wife had a young son. I felt compelled to be a father figure; relative to what has been disclosed thus far, it seems an intuitive influence. The relationship failed. Towards the end and thereafter, I became painfully aware of her motivations. Insofar as I became aware of her motivations, I had to reconcile hers with mine. I realized that latent or hidden motivations conditioned that which shaped my intent, thoughts, and desires relative to the relationship. I further realized that In every situation I find myself in, I must take ownership and responsibility for what thoughts, motivations, desires, interpretations, attitudes, judgments, behavior, etc. precipitate and affect my current state and experience. Wherefrom such acknowledgement of responsibility serves as impetus to root out those aspects of self-concept and perception that create or situate oneself in patterns of negative experience, I realized that I must exert a realized Self over self, illuminate the subtle influences of the mind, and accept that I as self contribute to the consequences experienced and reality constructed.

Perception of Personal Power

From such insight prompting understanding and awareness relative to the perception of control and responsibility, I developed an insight about the perception of personal power. Having developed self-awareness relative to the illusion of control and personal responsibility, I realized that synergistically, they unleash the potentiality for personal power. That is, integrating the former two insights into self-concept, I possessed the power to shape the world wherein I lived and participated. Thus, the constructions of the reality wherefrom I would experience and respond to the world were integrally and inherently mine willfully or passively. The duality of nature, life, and consequently our experiences serve to undermine our individual equilibrium relative to our experiences and worldview. Fundamentally, is the glass half-empty or half-full? I prefer to consider the glass as being 50% of capacity, thereby reflecting and balancing the true nature of the glass with its inherent potential and its current state.

The realizations of axioms or intrinsic and inherent truths and philosophies serve the transition to Self from self. Therein rests the power to render one's existential experience as realized manifestations of the Divine.

From the Human Condition to the Divine Condition

Having struggled and endured hardship during much of my youth, I withdrew. That is, I escaped the environment, others, and the world for the safety of my mind. However, insofar as the mind belies the Human condition, as elucidated in previous narrative of my early life, I found self to be as formidable an enemy as any I could imagine. Specifically, self served to undermine any sense of worth and worked to reduce me to nothing. Having greater self-awareness, I am gifted in having an innate sense of dis-belonging and being withdrawn prompting an inherently inward gaze. Likewise, realizing the true illusionary nature of existence and experience, I realized worth within. Hence, the circumstances of my youth served ultimately to inhibit over attachment to any identity or aspect of existential experience.

Transcendent of all experiences and thoughts of the human condition, a single paramount desire permeated my being. This was to express and manifest a great love for God. This desire reflected an innate spirit to fully realize Self and embody Divine Love as Self.

Realizing the Divine Condition

I found transformation in realization. It is not that I added unto myself; rather, I am realizing and actualizing that, which is always resident in all things. Consequentially, I am becoming principally rooted in Self rather than self. Whereas I possess many identities, e.g., husband, man, researcher, teacher, student, veteran, etc., these are but extensions of self-concept protracted unto the world as self in persona relative to socially and culturally constructed roles. Such identities of self are mere manifestations of some aspect of self-concept and inasmuch, ego. Therefore, I was not and I am not except for that which is Self. I am That which Is, Anáma-Rúpam. Ω